off finding myself

just for today

2011-07-09T14:58:00.000-07:00

this journey has kept me holding on moment by moment and breath by breath. i have discovered the gift of a new day and another chance. we can't really live more than a day at a time. the sun will eventually shine and the clouds are never far off. we are caught in the rythm of life. it is a tiring and hopeless fight to change what we are powerless over. i want to call a trial, a trial and a celebration, a celebration. i want to live passionately holding onto what is immovable, unshakeable and unchanging.

a second glance

2010-08-31T23:23:00.001-07:00

If I found what I found in india because of india then I could believe that its only in india. I could worship india. I could compare it to everything else. If I found what I found because of something great inside of me, then I may believe that I will always be great. If I found god because I found poverty I could worship the poor. But if I found God, then found passion, then found life, then found calling, I have something to follow. I have something that could take me anywhere, that could make me doing anything. If I want it to be like it was in india then I'm living in the past. To live in the present means I only have to find one thing, not many things and all i have to do is live from my heart.

we don't chant or hold hands...

2010-03-15T16:41:00.000-07:00

We are here because there is no refuge, finally from ourselves. Until we confront ourselves in the eyes and hearts of others, we are running. Until we suffer others to share our secrets, we have no safety from them. Afraid to be known, we can know neither ourselves, nor any other, we will be aloone. Where else but in our common ground, can we find such a mirror? Here, together, we can last appear clearly to ourselves not as the giant of our dreams, nor the dwarf of our fears, but as a person, part of a whole, with our share in its purpose. In this ground, we can take root and grow, not alone anymore as in death, but alive to ourselves and to others.

what to do but

2010-03-04T20:52:00.000-08:00

go aste aste
day by day
walk by faith
take the narrow road
walk away from the closed door
walk through the open one
wait at the cross
anticipate the empty grave
believe in the end,
we can say, it was God and his glory.

on time

2010-02-11T13:43:00.000-08:00

For everything there is a time
nothing is all the time
neither joy nor sorrow
when it's time to grieve, grieve
when it's time to rejoice, rejoice
ready or not time passes
it spends itself
time is
an enemy to dreams
a window to the divine
the expectation of the hopeful
when it's time, give
when its time, give up
when it's time,
it's time to live.

new things/korean style

2010-01-28T19:38:00.000-08:00

Something about this year smells new. i try to make a resolve at the beginning of each year to try something new. i feel like this year, more than others, i'm a little more open. these may seem small but...

i drove during rush hour to downtown LA, twice
i tried two new restaurants (both korean)
i ate twice in korea town
i went to a korean mall/grocery
i have generously added rice, seaweed and spinach to my diet

noticing a theme?
i was at a korean restaurant with my friends and i told them i was the most "white" person at the table, but then my roomie pointed out, i was also the most korean. go figure.

mugol (eat more!)

2010-01-21T15:21:00.001-08:00

food was a BIG part of our trip. The older people take care of the younger people by telling them to eat more. They put food on your plate as soon as its empty, before you can even ask or refuse. i learned to eat slower and always leave a little on my plate. The other thing you can count on is that there will be multiple rounds of eating. The nature of my trip only added to such truth because every time i met someone new they had always prepared such a feast! we ate great food and we ate often. the meat there is so tasty and we ate a lot of seafood too. at times the seafood was a bit of a stretch, but you have to try everything. the fruit in korea was awesome. it was apple, orange and pear season. they were all so juicy and fresh. we ate fruit after every meal. if we went out to dinner than we ate it when we got home. one time my sister put a plate full of apples in front of antonia and i. we were eating, watching tv, enjoying the yumminess. next thing you know the rest of my family gathers around. i look at the plate. there were only 4 or 5 slices left! whoops, i guess those apples were for everyone. i couldn't believe we ate almost the whole plate. they make it so easy with these cute mini forks they bring out especially for dessert. i have already been craving meat and as for the fruit i found some korean pears at costco, but i haven't tried them yet. i don't want them to ruin how i remember such amazing fruit and i think next week i'm hitting korea town for some bbq.

Patient Bear

2010-01-19T21:57:00.000-08:00

A new year equals a new motto, a new slogan, or something to remind me what life's really about. Well this year its kinda a punch in the gut, yep you feel it. It's to wait. I know, not exciting or is it?

As part of my Christian faith I believe that God has a will that he desires for all of us and I believe God often imparts or reveals it to those who ask him. How do you know its God's will? Well, first you have to know God. Ever said, "that is totally so and so...?" It's because you know them, you know who they are and sometimes why they do the things they do. Same with God, as you get to know Him, you start to get to know who He is, and why He does some of the things He does. All this to say, part of the journey of faith for me is being able to trust His will, when i don't like it, i don't understand it or i don't want it. This remains a struggle at all times.

The second thing about my faith is that I also believe in God's timing. I think that sometimes we get it right, but at the wrong time. For whatever reason, this is the harder of the two for me. I think its because that means sometimes while I might know, I still have to wait. Who wants to do that? We aren't taught or rewarded for waiting. Why do you think we have sayings like, "early bird, gets the worm," or "you snooze, you lose." We are a "get it done and get it done now before its too late", kind of society. This is both a positive and negative thing about us, but the overall message is that waiting is not rewarded.

This brings me to my korea trip. One of the many times we were "road trippin" in the mini van I asked my sister's friend what the korean belief about creation was. I gave the example that Christians generally cite Adam and Eve. She told me that there was a heavenly prince that wanted to rule earth and there were two animals that wanted to be turned into humans; a bear and a tiger. The Heavenly King set a test before the tiger and the bear, to see who would be turned into a human. Both animals were sent into the forest and they had to wait there, only eating the food the Heavenly King gave them. The one who could wait the longest in the forest, only eating the ration of the King's food, would win. The tiger was the first to go and flee the forest to eat. Therefore the bear becomes a woman and marries the prince. Their child becomes the first king of Korea. Ok, whats the moral of the story? To the koreans the hero is the patient bear because in the end he is the one rewarded.

This struck me as quite unique and as i think about it more, it makes my 2010 a little more exciting. What if our society valued waiting? Like "wait as long as possible to get married because it will be a great reward." (this is not a belief koreans hold to. believe me, everyone knew someone they could set me up with because, yes i'm still single.) However, I think that waiting is something that not just the Koreans value, but God values.

Finally, to bring all these tangents together. The korean view of waiting is more comforting to me when i feel the pressure of my own society to get certain things done and get them done now. I inherently think waiting is hard and waiting too long is just wrong, because i'll miss something if i wait. However, God has been helping me to see that this isn't always the case and that what you do while you wait may be more important than how long you wait. So yes, someone who dreams so many things for myself and others is having a hard time with 2010's motto, but i will wait; and while i wait I will worship. I will worship a God who doesn't allow short cuts when its a matter of becoming who we are supposed to be. I will worship a God who knows all the desires of our hearts and whose timing is not our timing. And hopefully, I will worship when i'm tired of waiting and i want to be the tiger not the bear.

"Trust in Him at all times..." Psalm 62:8

unee(s) (older sister)

2010-01-17T21:57:00.001-08:00

This is my sister Min Young, she is the 2nd oldest. She is the sister who first contacted me. She wrote the very first letter I receieved and is the one who I exchanged emails with for almost 2 years. Her and her husband both speak a little english which helped a lot during my trip. She is a special education teacher and I can tell she is great at it because of her warmth, joy and outgoing personality. She lives in Bucheon which is in between Seoul and Incheon. We stayed at her home most of the time, or at least the time we weren't traveling. My birth family was poor so Min Young was the one chosen, by her parents, to be sent to college. She is the only one of my three older sisters that went to college. She talked about the pressure that she felt to do well and take care of her family. She met her husband in college and they have traveled to Australia and New Zealand. They have two beautiful daughters that are ages 4 and 5. Her husband was also a lot of fun. A big ham in front of the camera.

This is my oldest sister, Chum-Yi. She has a boy who is 8 and a girl who is 7. She lives in Yeosu, their hometown. We stayed at her house over New Years. She is quiet and more resevered, but her strength comes from the Lord. When we were talking about our faith, she shared that her life was very difficult after her mom passed away and my two other sisters moved away. She said that it was through these difficult times that her christian faith became sincere. When I asked her what her favorite place in Yeosu was, she answered the Dolsan Bridge. My sisters grew up in a teeny house just under the bridge. She said they used to walk back and forth across the bridge to clear their minds or talk about life. Being the oldest child and the one to stay in Yeosu I wonder what her responsibilities were. She met her husband on a blind date. He was so sweet and sincerely emotional. He was sentimental and so caring. He sang to Antonia a korean song one night. He also is a big Beatles fan. He wanted us to sing "Let it be" all together. He really tried to communicate with us and was so friendly. He kept saying "we are one family."Oh, my favorite thing about him was that at the end of their wedding, he was carrying my sister down the aisle and he tripped, dropping her and face planting himself. ha. we saw the video.

My 3rd sister is Ji Young. My brother in law called us the "twin towers" because we look so similar. She is such a tropper because she is 6 months pregnant and still did everything. She was fun loving and sweet. We have the same laugh and my brother in law teased us plenty about that. Her daughter is 3 and a boy is due in March. Her and her husband also met on a blind date. I've been thinking maybe I should try my luck. She lives about two hours south of my middle sister. It seems as though the two families are close and they have children about the same age. In Korea, the first birthday is a really big celebration. I told her I would try to make it for her son's first birthday next year.

a proud emo (aunt)

2010-01-15T12:45:00.000-08:00

i include this last one because my nieces are adorable, but also princesses. i bought them coloring books, dora, blues clues and barbie. the youngest one started screaming and balling when she got blues clues. why? because it was blue and not pink! haha! i felt so bad. luckily her older sister is a bit more easy going and was willing to switch. note to self, always bring pink.

ah-bo-gi (father)

2010-01-14T19:45:00.001-08:00

When we first met he cried and as i tried to bow, he tried to hug, but either way it was a loving embrace. Quick recap: He only found out about me a year ago, because my mother gave me up for adoption without tell him. It is only after my sister and I had been emailing that my sister told him. He was really really happy. There was slight confusion however, when my father stepped out of the room and my sister asked me what my blood type was. Well, my blood type is B. The room erupted... "BBBBB????". Yes, i answered unsure what had caused the reaction. My friend who was translasting said, "it must be wrong." I asked why and she explained that my mother's blood type was A and my father's was O. Oh no?!?! is what i thought. Jokingly, i stuck out my arm and said we bettter figure this out. The room filled with endless korean as I thought how funny it would be to say "Hi father, you aren't my father." *gulp* Fortunately soon after my father came back into the room, they asked him is blood type. My family reacted with shock when my father said AB. I reacted with a sigh of relief. Glad we got that cleared up, that would not be awkward at all.

At the restaurant we went to for dinner after we met, my father was so happy he was pouring me Soju, a korean liquor, that I think is tasty. I probably had two shots and he had the rest of the bottle. This was the first night that we learned Koreans don't stop eating. When we had returned to my sisters house, we ate once again and this time, my Father who was still so happy, said we should celebrate. He brought out of the liquor cabinet a 30 yr old Scotch whiskey, poured me a shot glass and offered a toast. Now that, i had to chase with apples. We then exchanged gifts. My father gave me a pearl necklace that i'm wearing in the picture. It is so beautiful.

As any father would, he asked me about school and money. Wanting to now how my desire to be a missionary was going to provide me with enough money. My attempts to try and share with him, i don't need a lot of money, didn't seem to put him at ease, but he was happy to know that my family has enough money that i don't have to worry. Either way though, we gave me a incredibly generous sum of money on the day I left. He was caring, funny, outgoing and wanted to help in anyway he could.

ps. he kept calling me "charlie" instead of "karli" lol.

in case you think i'm making it up.... :)

2010-01-13T19:44:00.001-08:00

Yep we are all family! (my mother's side)

All sisters, 2 brothers in law, 2 nieces, 1 nephew

2 sisters, 3 nieces, 1 brother in law, father and stepmom. toni and i.

i take my time

2010-01-13T19:19:00.000-08:00

After getting back from Korea on sunday morning and by monday, learning i have a paper due thursday, it's easy to put the world on hold. But maybe that's okay and i can take my time catching up, doing a little each day. I just put my korea pics on my computer last night. I haven't blogged or emailed or showed up where there are lots of people to ask lots of questions. I'm still taking in not only korea, but the beginning of the year, the end of a season, the last year of seminary, hello's, goodbyes, gains and losses. To give the run of the mill answer, to blurt out the facts just doesn't seem like it does justice to what is bubbling inside my heart. I have changed. My life has too and i'm just not wanting to rush past all that its supposed to be. I'm searching for dreams and hopes for the future, for reconciliation with the past and gratitude and joy for the present. Life is such a gift and God's at the center, not me. I'm wondering "can I?", when i should be asking "can He?". I'm worried about "how will i?" when i should be excited about "how will He?". For all the goodness and richness that has found me, i owe it to Jesus. I need to give Him my life. I need to give Him my time.

i'm doing it.

2009-12-12T20:03:00.000-08:00

ok, ok, WE are doing it. all the people that have loved me through the tears and failures of the hardest year of my life, are making it possible for me to enjoy some of the BEST moments of my life, when i meet my bio family in korea. i'm leaving dec 28th!! aaaaaaahhhhhhhhh. aaaaaahhhhhhhh!! sorry, been kinda holding it in. :) crazy, crazy, crazy, year that is going to end in korea with my bio family. who would've believed it, not me.

its about all the people who believed in me, when i didn't. this year has been heartache for so many people. i have required tons of patience, butt-kickings, ultimatums, and tough love. I have found more grace, mercy, and love than i could ever imagine. The Lord and His people, my friends and family have made all the difference in the world. After everything, its still hard for me to believe i get to do this. ahem, that we get to do this.

Only the Lord Jesus, can make a way when there is no way. Only he can cover heaviness with garments of praise. Only he can create a new song. Only he can handle the mess I made and only he can make it new. the feeling of joy has been astray for a long time. you know, the kind of joy that makes you giggle, smile for no reason, talk really fast and high pitched, even jump a little in the air, yeah that, that is a gift from God. yes Lord, i'll receive it. i mean, we will receive it.

widows and orphans

2009-12-07T21:14:00.000-08:00

before i saw your eyes
i answered
before you even asked
i decided
in my heart not to give
you a chance
listening ear
or helping hand

no love to share
time to offer
comfort to sacrifice
i pray
i didn't
look like the one
i follow

i cursed you with the tongue
i reserve for blessing
you found the pharisee
in me, the logging truck
in my eye

forgive me sister,
my heart grieves for the
lost chance
with deep shame, i beg for mercy
that you and your daughter
were entertained by angels

God deal with me
justly.
honestly.
keep my mouth from speaking

before my heart decides
by your grace to always
give
value
to who you value

family is...

2009-12-01T16:05:00.000-08:00

the ones who know exactly what makes you laugh
the ones who know exactly what makes you mad
the ones who have been there through all life stages,
especially the akward middle school yrs and terrible haircuts
the ones who will return your presents with no shame
the ones who you fight with because you love so much
the ones who always repeat your embarassing childhood stories when guests are around
the ones who tell you its ok to dream of being the first woman in the NBA and NFL
the ones who laugh at you even when you are trying to be serious
the ones who make sure you don't go hungry and the oil in your car has been changed
the ones who you want around when you are sick
the ones you miss during the holidays
the ones you go home to
the ones who love you no matter what
the ones you are proud to call family.

hi family!

2009-12-01T11:04:00.000-08:00

today i am celebrating me. well not really, me, but i'm celebrating having a family. today 26 years ago my parents became parents. I arrived fresh off the plane from korea into the loving arms of my mom and dad. being adopted kinda means you have two birthdays. today i will celebrate being a "saathoff". people look at me down here and think my last name should be kim, lee, kwon, anything asian, but its not, saathoff's are from texas. this is a special day for me and my family. so a shout out to my cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, my favorite baby sis, my wonderful mom and dad. no nieces or nephews yet, boo, you better get on that. here's to pac 10 football, the portland trailblazers, fishing at buoy 10, egg nog cake, chocolate zucchini bread, "chicken tuna" sandwiches, my mom's amazing hospitality, my dad's generosity, my sister's laugh. cheers to my family who makes me, me.

deep breath

2009-11-12T11:52:00.000-08:00

"In order to be at peace, it is necessary to feel a sense of history - that you are both part of what has come before and part of what is yet to come. Being surrounded, you not alone; and the sense of urgency that pervades the present is put in perspective: Do not frivolously use time that is yours to spend. Cherish it, that each day may bring forth new growth, insight and awareness. Never allow a day to pass that did not add to what was understood before. Let each day be a stone in the path of growth. Do not rest until what been intended has been done. But remember - go as slowly as is necessary in order to sustain a steady pace; do not expand energy in waste. Finally do not allow the illusory urgencies of the immediate to distract you from your vision of the eternal." In Spiritual Crisis: surviving trauma to the soul.

casuality in the country

2009-10-29T14:32:00.001-07:00

this greeted me at the front door.
first, i screamed, then i couldn't stop laughing. poor guy!

people in socal

2009-10-27T17:49:00.000-07:00

...don't carve pumpkins for halloween. how do i know? well, a friend and I both come from a place where you do carve pumpkins so we thought we would bring some of the halloween cheer down south. what happens to carved pumpkins in southern california, the heat melts them and mushifies them in two days. i already had to put jack the softie in the dumpster.

...go through the dirtiest windstorms. we have windstorms, but not windstorms that turn the horizon and air brown. my roommate and i tried to walk to the store, but we were attacked by the first tree we came to. we turned around with dirt in our eyes, leaves in our hair and headed for the car.

paralyzed

2009-10-18T21:38:00.000-07:00

When I couldn’t move
Your prayers
Kept me
In His reach

When I couldn’t speak
Your words
Fell on
His ears

When I couldn’t reach
Your hands
Grabbed onto
To His.

When I couldn’t believe
Your steps
Walked me
Towards Him.

When we couldn’t
Your love
Left me
at His feet

It is your prayers
That lowered me
Before a
God that heals.

thought of the day

2009-09-18T10:49:00.000-07:00

you can have community, but not use it. and until you use it, it isn't really community. but once you use it, then you have people. and having people is a big deal. everyone shoud have people.

so fresh and clean, clean

2009-09-12T22:18:00.000-07:00

i spent the last few hours deep cleaning my apartment. i get so messy when i live alone. i started in the bathroom and covered the kitchen, living room and bedroom. I reorganized some of my things to make sure the new roomie has plenty of room. She is going to think I'm so anal cuz all my stuff is on one side of the room. I swear its ok if it isn't symmetrical. I got to go to the beach today for work. The weather was perfect; warm but breezy. My face even got a little sunburned. Tomorrow my new roomie comes so i'm excited about that. It will be nice to have some company, but of course its the last week of summer class and i have a paper and final exam due. This class feels like it has drug on all summer so it will be nice to get it done, but i'll probably have to be the bum roommate who is studying. After that though, a friend from home is coming to visit for a few days. I really want to check out this beach spot my coworker told me about. Its a bit elusive to the newcomer, but I hear its worth the adventure.

Have i told you about my neighbors? They are from northeast India and they are the sweetest. They just moved in this summer. It is a couple and their son who is in high school. They remind me of india. They always invite me to stay and eat or have tea. Instead of saying "here" or "there", they say "this side" or "that side". When they mean homey, like comfortable, they say "homely" and if they go out to eat they say they "ate outside." But besides the fun english we are becoming fast friends. They cook for me and make me wonderful tea. I drive them to costco or the store and drop them off for appointments. Like, next week I'm taking their son to the doctors and then to school. how cute. but really these people are amazing. they love jesus. they are invited to speak like everywhere. they have a heart for the church and for the poor and for india. and when they pray, watch out. really, i think they are great. its been a blessing to have them so close since living on my own this last month.

if you pray, could you pray for some good reflection/process time before classes start up again. I feel like God wants to say something, but i'm still in the other room shouting, "coming, coming." i need to make time and be open. this summer has been a ride. i don't know if its a new season, but its a new school year and my last one i think. so if you don't mind joining my prayer through this year...

Lord, you not me.
yours, not mine.

we are better, together

2009-09-08T12:47:00.000-07:00

we are raising money for my friend. She is going to India in just over a week to work with a development agency who is working with the poor in both urban and rural settings. She will be there for 3 months. God has opened some amazing doors so far, so we are relying on his faithfulness. My friend's passport was lost by the Indian visa people and just found today so we are praying that she can still receive her visa to India in time.

If you ever had to raise money for a missions trip, you are aware of the frustrations and the blessings that come with it. I want my friend to know that she is not alone. For anyone to do missions or ask people to support their work, is an invitation to join what God is doing around the world. God can use your money for his glory.

I know I have amazing and generous friends. I have been supported in so many ways by all of you. So yes, i'm asking if you would possibly help someone who you might not even know, but i'm asking because she is family to me. And she is willing and able to serve the poor in India. And i believe in the work God is doing in her life. pray first. don't give without prayer and don't decide without praying. then, keep praying...

scheduled departure date: September 16th

funds needed: $3000

want to help?

i'm not a fool

2009-09-01T21:41:00.000-07:00

i'm not a fool.
i've made mistakes.
but I’m not one

been down the dark road
hid there, laid there, died there
the past is my conscience
you shouldn’t, you can’t

there is enough to
prove truth beats fact
to get off the one way track

i’m not a fool
I’ve made mistakes
but I’m not one.

hindsight might be clear
this vision is distorted
we see different
who counts loses

who keeps faith
uses regret as a crystal ball
who trusts who

lacking my own
will your words
stand in, say

i’m not a fool
i’ve made mistakes
but I’m not one.

toooo hoooooot

2009-08-27T21:20:00.000-07:00

105 degress is toooo hot
wildfires are toooo hot.
apt without ac is toooo hot.
tooooo hot to study, so i played wii for 2 1/2 hours.
tooo hot to cook, so i ate sushi with a friend.
toooo hot means dry skin, dry eyes, bloody noses.
i did go bowling today at work. good toooo hot activity.
its toooo hot to sleep in my bedroom.
but not toooo hot for ice cream.

the ironic thing is

2009-08-24T16:15:00.000-07:00

i posted this picture, but then i started wondering if it was an accurate representation of where I would be "off finding myself." don't get me wrong I will always be a mountain/lake girl, but the place i would actively search and expect to "find myself" would not be at an isolated lake at the end of a mountain hike. I feel like i would have better luck on a street corner or in a slum somewhere around the world. i have been refreshed by nature so many times. the cool fresh air, the sweaty physical challenge, the beautiful scenery, but where was I when i momentarily felt like i "found" a part of me? well, no where close to clean air. it was inside a slum sitting on dirt, sweating my face off, listening intently to another language, playing, watching, hugging, holding the cutest kids ever. i was thinking to myself if i didn't ever leave this exact moment, or if i never experienced anything after this moment, i had found my deepest joy. i had connected with the deepest meaning of life.

there was also this time in kolkata when i just returned from a week in bangalore. we had gotten back the day before and had a day off before our week started up again. i chose to hop on the bus and go visit my dearest friends in the slum. they were so surprised to see me because i visited at a different time than usual, but they were so overjoyed i came to say hello. it was the heat of the day so they insisted that i sat with them outside their home. the small path in front of their home was too dirty for even them to rest on, so they made sure i was comfortable on this large sack of garbage that sat about 3 feet tall. a few minutes into our conversation my friend brought something a little more firm to sit on so we sat together this small piece that kept us just off the ground. it teetered with our weight as we shared the last week's events. suddenly they suggested something cold to drink, so i offered to buy ice cream instead. my friend stood up to go buy the ice cream but as she did the weight on our stool became uneven and i tumbled to the ground. this surprised all of us and we all started laughing because i had tipped over so dramatically. they tried to help me back on, but realized that without my friend the weight would not be even. together we decided it would just be better if i stood until my friend returned with the ice cream. when she returned, we passed around the ice cream and sat together back on the stool. now, of course, i'm mischievous so playful revenge was coming. i waited just until my friend was about to lick her ice cream and i stood up quickly causing her to fall right off her end of stool. she saw right through my laughter and crooked smile as i attempted to tease her in my broken bengali, " why can't you sit?" "are you ok?" "what happened?" from then on as we ate our ice cream, the looks went back and forth when we would jokingly try to stand up and then innocently ask one another if there was a problem. coming back from vacation, i missed the city. at this point in my trip it was growing on me, i wanted to be there. what did i find? i found a piece of me. on my day off when i got to drop by on some friends i hadn't seen in awhile, i found life. i laughed at my friends, laughed with them, missed them and felt that moments like this is why we live. why we have each other. they are moments i wouldn't exchange for all the luxuries or materials in the world. they are moments money can't buy.

so don't let this picture fool you. we have to come down from the mountain eventually. we have to search for ourselves in the messy, confusing and dirty world around us but don't give up. you can find life. you can find joy. you can find you.

time to blog

2009-08-19T17:42:00.001-07:00

its been so long and i have had the opposite of writers block. what would that be called? so here is a ADHD version of recent happenings/potential blog titles...

I went camping, boating and waterskiing.
I saw my besties from college. we live in the same state now.
First week back to work i got to go to the beach and a water park.
Second week, i got a clipboard swung at my head. good to be back.
Goodwill rocks! new microwave, george foreman grill, a painting.
Microwave doesn't actually work. boo.
Roomie #1 moves out.
Party for Roomie #2.
Roomie #2 leaves.
you're my person
praying made me cry. i'm so emotional. feelings are everywhere.
security guard hits on me.
appointments are so cultural.
potluck!
giant map of canada on my wall.
charcoal bbqing
home improvement project was a success.
praying for home appliances. new microwave check. table??
greys: yang's my favorite.
praying for roomie #6 in two years
k sis #3 has a bun in the oven.
saw pictures of my k fam on the vacation i was supposed to be on with them.
got a few more tricks up my sleeve
experienced the power of faith in Jesus
committed to take a personal retreat before school starts
started going to life group again. its so life giving.
ate 7 courses of beef
rearranged furniture
trying to find words
waiting for my heart to catch up with my head
goodbye

what i needed to remember...

2009-07-30T23:05:00.000-07:00

where my heart was two years ago and where it longs to be again...

When we see beauty we are “de self-centered.” By experiencing something transcendent, we willingly step aside and stand in awe of something else for a moment – our attention is momentarily diverted from our own drives, our passion, our self-interested pursuits. When we behold something beautiful, we are glad to step aside, to be quiet, to give the beautiful subject our voluntary allegiance…Moments of experiencing beauty evoke this kind of willing “step aside” response. (Joel Klepac, serves in Romania with WMF)

This is it! If only i could have said it like that. That statement is exactly why Kolkata stole my heart. Its why I didn’t miss the ”american/luxerious” life. No thing/food/experience here at home could compare to the beauty i experienced in India. (However the refills of lemonade at the american restaurant in Chennai would have been put in the “beautiful” category at the time). The beauty of the people there captured me and whisked me away. I know its crazy to say the most ugly, horrible, unjust place I have ever been was the most beautiful place I have ever experienced. I guess amidst the darkness the light was that much brighter and amidst the ugliness the beauty was more breathtaking. The beauty of a smile, laughter, a child, a kind word, a loving embrace, and the beautiful value of our fellow human beings drew me into the oddest experiences; places with rats, sitting on piles of garbage, being the center of attention, mocked and pointed at, getting lice, sitting on the street, sitting in the brothels, eating rice until i was going to vomit, sitting with the dying, hanging out in the slums, dancing like a fool and eating food so spicy it made me cry. But all of that faded away into the shadows of the radiance coming from the image of Christ I saw and experienced through the lives there. What i thought was important wasn’t really that important and what i thought really mattered, didn’t really matter. For a good part of the trip i was afraid to fully love and be loved back. I was afraid of the risk of love; of being disappointed, hurt, taken advantage of, or feeling dumb, but then when i finally had the eyes to see, I saw the beauty I would willing “step aside” for.

Now imagine our Beautiful God…

wow, summer is here!

2009-06-30T19:51:00.000-07:00

welcome home to 97 degrees, shorts, tank tops, beach days, swimming in the ocean, free concerts in the park, free time. glorious. my first summer vacation has come and gone. home was amazing. the longer i'm in LA the more I realize that I love the Northwest. Such a different pace of life, much cleaner air, parking lots, mountains, trees, real hiking and space. It was party central at our house for my sisters graduation and my mom's 60th birthday. I caught up with who i could, but there is never enough time to see everyone. and of course it wouldn't truly be going home unless it rained, just about every day. it makes us that much more thankful when it does clear and the sun comes out. it was canuck summer fun: the sequel because my canadian friend came home with me and isn't everything more fun with a canuck around? she is also the friend that is going to korea with me so we decided that it will be a trilogy. anyways,i'm not going to complain too much about LA. it has its perks. friends, beach, tacos all in one day. hard to beat that.

summer, I'm coming!

2009-06-07T11:00:00.000-07:00

just thought you should know i finally had a chicken salad sandwich and it was glorious. it was the "tuna" i remembered. five days til the end of the quarter and the beginning of summer, ten days until i go home for a week. summer will bring closing, opening, change, transition, change again. but it also means i don't have to go to class until aug which gives me real days off. lots of time to play, to go on adventures, to try something new, to remember the classics (aka taco tuesday). time to live in the moment, live thankful for the present, and live hopeful for the future.

"you were called to peace. and be thankful" Colossians 3:15

i am mad at...

2009-05-26T23:31:00.000-07:00

you are a lie
you are joke
you are a waste

let it go
move on
walk away
fall apart

get screwed
throw it back
make it right
start a fight

you aren't worth it
cut it off
give up
you are cursed

you read it
too late
i'll be gone
for good

bury it
leave a stone
go alone

speak it

2009-05-25T22:47:00.000-07:00

john 12:23-28
colossian 3:12-17
ephesians 3:16-19

at the start
he was there
in the end
he will be there
after all our hands have wrought
he forgives

oh the glory of it all is
that he came
for the rescue of us all
that we may live
for the glory of it all

all is lost
find him there
after night
dawn is there

after all falls apart
he repairs

oh he is here
for the redemption of the fall
that we may live
for the glory of it all

after night
comes the light
dawn is here
its a new day
everything will change
things will never be the same

oh the glory of it all is
that he came
for the rescue of us all
that we may live
for the glory of it all

not tuna?!?!

2009-05-19T13:32:00.000-07:00

when i was younger I remembered eating really good tuna sandwiches. They aren't something that i crave often, but occasionally I'm up for a good one. A couple months back, I got one of these cravings. I bought tuna fish but I couldn't quite remember what you mix in. I tried mayo, but it wasn't quite right so I added mustard. Still, not quite right or even that good. As a final attempt I added hot sauce. I figured they make spicy tuna sushi so why not a spicy tuna sandwich. It was edible, but certainly not anything close to what my mom made. We can call this, Tuna Sandwich failed attempt #1. Yesterday, I found another can of Tuna in my cupboard that i must have bought when i had my cravings months ago. I hadn't been brave enough to attempt again until yesterday. This time i asked my roommate and my friend who was going to share a tuna sandwich with me, how do you make a tuna sandwich? mayo? yep. mustard? nope. hot sauce? are you crazy? relish. oh yeah i do remember relish, but i remember dill relish though my roommate suggested sweet relish. celery. yeah i think i have had tuna with celery so i'll try that. salt and pepper. k, sounds good to me. Tuna sandwich attempt #2. I have what i needed except dill relish. when i was at the store sweet was cheaper than dill, so i thought i would follow my roommates recommendation. I thought maybe that would be the secret to the famous mom tuna sandwich. I followed the advice of my friends and I came away with a fairly decent tuna sandwich, but it still just wasn't right, not what i remembered. So what does a daughter do next, but call up her mom and yes, ask her how she makes a tuna sandwich (i am growing up i promise). I explained the whole ordeal to my mom, how i tried unsuccessfully to replicate the delicious sandwich from childhood.

"So Mom, what do you put on a tuna sandwich?"
"mayo. salt. pepper."
"Thats it?? i tried that and it didn't work. i remember relish, dill relish, do you put that in it?"
"i might have, but really i rarely made tuna for you girls growing up, but i made a lot of chicken salad sandwiches.
"CHICKEN?!?!?!" with dill relish?????
"yeah"
"THATS IT, THATS WHAT I REMEMBER!!! IT WASN'T TUNA!?
my mom is now hysterically laughing at me. "nope it was chicken."

this whole time my poor memory thought that great tasting sandwich was tuna, but nope. no wonder why a real tuna sandwich didn't taste right. it wasn't chicken.

twenty six and

2009-05-11T20:42:00.000-07:00

i ate yummy indian food.
i am so blessed by friends.
i couldn't blow out all my candles, and there wasn't even 26.
i have enjoyed lunch dates and new music
cards and loving words.
i have laughed at myself and others.
i wrote a paper, finished a book
slept in, went for a run
i have felt loved, known and accepted
i have hung out with jesus
i have worshiped him
i am thankful
i am learning
i am hopeful.

we haven't lost it all yet

2009-04-17T22:51:00.000-07:00

i know posting song lyrics isn't always that creative, but this is the song that inspired my last blog post. i was listening to the song and next thing you know i'm blogging. seriously, its the reason i did. that dang line, "we haven't lost it all yet." and dang the first few lines too. ok there are a lot of good lines that hit home. its a good song and i really like the fray.

Halfway around the world
Lies the one thing that you want
Buried in the ground, hundreds of miles down
First thing that arises in your mind while you awake
Bending you til you break
Let me hold you now
Baby close your eyes
Don't open til the morning light
Baby don't forget
You haven't lost it all yet
Don't know what your made of
Til the one thing that you want
To come in with the dawn and suddenly changes
Monday, syndicate me, its everyone the same
But all we've lost to the flame
Listen to me now
Baby close your eyes
Don't open til the morning light
Don't ever forget
We haven't lost it all yet
All we know for sure
Is all that we are fighting for
Baby don't forget
We haven't lost it all yet
Someday when this is over
We mix it up, no answer
For now its when I hold her
We are closer, we are closer
We are closer, we are closer
Baby close your eyes
Don't open til the morning light
Don't ever forget
We haven't lost it all yet
And all we know for sure
Is all that we are fighting for
Baby don't forget
We haven't lost it all yet
We are closer
we are closer(We haven't lost it all yet)
Now we are closer(We haven't lost it all yet)
We are closer

i'm pleased to introduce

2009-04-16T19:14:00.000-07:00

february 3, 2008 - got an email from a social worker at catholic community services (the adoption agency my parents went through), saying she had a letter from a birth sister. a few days later i found out i didn't just have one biological sister, i had THREE older sisters. they are all in korea and married. i have five nephews and nieces. my sisters share the same biological parents. that means i'm the youngest of four! my birth mom passed away in 2004. my birth dad remarried.

August 2008- i discovered i was the family secret. i always joked about that. my birth mother kept her pregnancy from the whole family including my biological dad. he knew she was pregnant with me, but he was away working in saudi arabia because they were poor. she told him that the baby died. in secret from her family she gave birth to me, named me and gave me up for adoption. 1 girl too many. before my birth mother died she told my sisters about me. in her will she told the rest of her family. once my birth sister contacted me last year, they told my biological father that i existed. surprise! since last spring i have been emailing my middle sister fairly regularly.

feb 18th, 2009- i had found out earlier through emails with my sister that i had a cousin who is a pastor at a korean church in san diego. on monday i get a call from him saying that his mom and my mom were sisters. then he says his mother is visiting san diego from korea and would like to meet me. gulp. so sure enough wednesday my cousin's whole family (wife and 4 boys plus his mom/my aunt) drive up from san diego for dinner. i meet my cousin and his family and i meet my aunt. she is a pastor in korea, cute older korean lady that pointed to the blonde streaks in my hair :) she was sweet to me, kept using my korean name. i wish i had more words, but i was speechless. my cousin and his wife spoke english so we all kinda talked as they translated for my aunt and i. i heard the first stories of my biological mother. the hard working generous heart she had, but not untainted by the burden of secrecy she carried most her life. we laughed, cried, took pictures. i assured my aunt the blonde in my hair was dyed, not natural. they told me i looked like my older sisters. they told me they were sorry. i told them it was ok. my aunt left and i said see you again in july.

july 21- aug 3 2009- i'm taking the leap back to the mothership. beam me up scottie. i will spend 12 days in korea with a friend here from fuller. i'm planning on a fun, chaotic, akward, random, amazing, unforgettable time. i'll meet and stay with the family. i'm not sure how much more extended family is out there. my sisters all live in 3 different places, but knowing koreans we probably will all be together the whole time. just imagine that picture above plus me (and my tall white canadian friend).

i wish i could say that there is no more to it than that, but i can't. behind these words, facts, and last year, i have crumbled away into a million pieces. nothing fitting together anymore, nothing being like it should, nothing the way i imagined it, nothing making sense. the internal struggles go beyond words, beyond what i am able to understand. it was not that i wasn't excited for what was ahead, but it was that i didn't want to give up the life i had. the one i knew, understood, believed in, and put my trust in. betrayed by the life i was supposed to be in control of, i refused the love i needed most. i had to be angry, betrayed, sad, hurt, dissapointed, guilty, ashamed, confused and lost. no one could rush me. no one could do it for me. i had to meet my own demise. that i did. but i did in the arms of mercy, grace, forgiveness and love that held onto me even when i let go. now i'm ready to look at the pieces that won't go back together the same way as before. it will have to be something new. i am something new. we are something new. but i will begin again.

journal entry jan 2008 (just before finding out about my birth family).

let it be as You(God) say:
you will be tempted to say its what you have done or be bitter because you don't understand, but you have to trust its my love. the old is going, but its making room for the new to come. the tearing down is for the new creation. you will have my love, you will have me. the old is passing away, your world is falling apart. you will want to ask "why", but ask how I can transfrom it. nothing is to remain dead. trust my love, that i'm there. you will be able to say it was me. you will have my love to rely on, to hold onto. the old is passing away.
Lord you don't ask for what doesn't cost. it is the way i love you. it is my worship. my father, my friend, my savior provide the faith. what looks like it is lost will be found only in you. i refuse to gain the whole world and lose my soul. who am i that i should deny your will and pleasure. i put my trust in you. i hand over my hope. in jesus name, amen.

when i didn't know what to say

2009-04-14T00:25:00.000-07:00

to God, I was provided with these prayers on Easter morning:

Almighty God, we thank you for the gift of the cosmic Christ, whose love unleashes in the universe a power never to be eclipsed. May this Christ who crushed death dissolve our inner fears and set free in us that creative spirit which sees the world anew and brings wholeness to your creation. Amen.

Almighty God to you all hearts are open, all desires known and from you no secrets hid. Cleanse the thoughts of our hearts by the inspiration of your Holy Spirit that we may perfectly love you and worthily magnify your holy name, through Christ Jesus our Lord. Amen.

God of all life, crush the tombs of fear and despair that hold us captive, that we may be released into the fullness of life. Fill us with your light.
Water the seeds of justice and love deep within us, that we may grow in generosity and compassion and minister to those who are in need. Fill us with your light.
Shine the blazing light of the resurrection in every corner of our violent lives and energize us for the challenging work of peace. Fill us with your light.
Call this community of faith to build that new world of justice and wholeness for all people; comfort and uphold us on this journey. Fill us with your light.

God of the living, who validated the life of Christ by bringing forth life from the grave, help us to trust your love which is stronger than death and make us agents of hope and healing in your world. In the name of the risen Christ. Amen.

God, of our Lord Jesus Christ, open our eyes to see your hand at work in the world about us. Deliver us from the presumption of coming to the Table for solace only, and not for strength; for pardon only, and not for renewal. Let the grace of this Holy Communion make us one body, one spirit in Christ, that we may worthily serve the world in Christ's name.

Eternal God, great Creator, you have graciously accepted us as living members of your son our savior Jesus Christ and you have fed us with spiritual food in the Sacraments of Christ's body and blood. Send us now into the world in peace and grant us strength and courage to love and serve you with gladness and singleness of heart; through Christ our Lord. Amen.

its exactly the start I needed.

shane and shane

2009-04-09T23:28:00.000-07:00

God's been speaking to me at the gym lately. this is what i heard today on my ipod.

"In you"
I sing for joy
In my remorse
A well within prosperity’s curse
That drowns the mighty oak of pride
But feeds the root of God inside.

In You I find my rest
In You I find my death
In You I find my all and my emptiness
Somehow it all makes sense

In You I’m rich
When I’ve been made poor
Comfort found when I mourn
The prideful one You see from afar
Drawing near to low, broken hearts.

In You I find my rest
In You I find my death
In You I find my all and my emptiness
But it all makes sense
In you

aint just broke

2009-04-09T23:20:00.000-07:00

shattered into millions
each sharp painful edge
cuts with rage, with regret
empty hands hold the loss
yesterday is gone
today isn’t coming

left with the mess
that I didn’t make
that I won’t touch
I wait in pieces

for you to say
the old is gone
for you to say
the new is coming
for you to say
I will rebuild with
these pieces

its spring!

2009-03-29T00:48:00.000-07:00

got my first beach day in, complete with splashing and playing in the water in my clothes.
got my shopping in, new shoes, new clothes, new haircut, new music.
got my cleaning done, scrubbed, dusted, vacuumed.
got and still have itchy eyes, running nose and the sneezes. yeah for seasonal allergies.
i'm getting rid of my winter shade and gaining more freckles.
people are coming to visit to get away from the rain.
three new classes start tuesday.
ten weeks until vacation.

my final four

2009-03-18T23:44:00.000-07:00

besides bragging about my alma mater making it to the final four, go bruins! i just have four things left on my to do list this quarter. starting at 6:30 am tomorrow morning, in this exact order...

1. work until 2:30pm
2. finish and turn in final paper # 1
3. 1 hr of blah blah blah
4. work on/edit/redo/finish/turn in final paper #2 (keep in mind though its the last thing, it could take me up til
friday at 1:40pm to complete, but at least not any later)

get your game face on.

ding round 1

2009-03-16T01:21:00.000-07:00

church was good tonight. God knocked on my heart. funny, i figured he had left by now.
must be because someone else is praying. i'm sure not.
I had stopped listening to all worship/icky God music, filled with lame, mushy sentiments, fluff, fluff, fluff, not grounded in real life. why is all the angry music written by people who don't believe in God? do people who believe in God not get angry? well if that is the case, i don't want your God. i need a God i can curse at, flip off, throw rocks at. if your God is so great, he should be able to take it right? i think people who don't believe in God are better off sometimes. first off, they aren't fake. well everyone is fake, but they are less fake when life is sucky. i think i would rather have bad days, then fake good ones. they also ask better questions, about things that really matter. like, why was my brother was killed? yep that sucks. and sometimes people who believe in God, don't give good answers. they make you feel like thats a dumb question and that just makes you feel worse. i'm sorry to all the people i made feel worse by giving you a stupid answer. i remember one night at a bible study the guy leading it was saying how he thought we as christians, don't challenge God enough. We don't question God when bad things happen or could happen. just after that bible study we found out our friend died in a car accident. i wonder what he prayed later that night? you can't measure faith. some people think how much you read your bible and pray determines how much faith you have. but i don't think so. if you are suffering, then just waking up takes faith. lots of it. i'm going to put my faith in God. if he wants me, he is going to have to come get me. if he wants me to follow him, he has to give me something worth following. i'm not going to pretend to have faith, i don't. if he wants me to believe he cares, he is going to have to do something about the things i care about. real life. i don't think that is asking too much. i'm not going to church, reading my bible or praying, but if what i'm doing is not trying than i'm more lost than i think. i know writing all of this means i'm in for a good butt kicking. but i would take a butting-kicking God over a God who is absent. i'm putting on the gloves...

without you

2009-03-13T22:11:00.000-07:00

why can't i have peace that comes without understanding
or joy that greets me in the morning
where is the love that is more powerful than fear
or the comfort for all my troubles
what about the faith that doesn't need to see
or the hope that is so sure
what am i supposed to do without you
i'm not doing well on my own

2009-03-10T01:01:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure if its because i'm feeling poetic or because i'm awake with nothing else to do, but i have decided to revisit my blog. As you can see its been a few months since i have been here and the only thing i have been able to muster up is promises that i pray are not empty. "Finding oneself" is so cliche but people go to all sorts of lengths to try and do it. It seems to be characterized by solidarity, adventure, travel, new experiences. Its a time where anything goes, its all out on the table, everything is up for grabs. When one is in the business of self discovery i feel like one opens themselves to anything that is possible in hopes that somehow it will not leave them unchanged. The secret hope in all of us is that when we search, we will find something. But, what happens when something finds you. When rather than being in the drivers seat on the open road of self discovery, you are a ship captain in the perfect storm. The captain defaults back to the basics, nothing fancy, just what is required to survive. There is no time to try new things. Its interesting that both events lead to discovery. Both a free spirit and a tested one hint that we are more resilient than we think, we can face more than we imagine, and we come out better for it, whether we found ourselves or not. I think the point is that we are willing to search because no matter what we find, inevitably we will lose it again.

What is the point of all this rambling? Its ok, i'm not sure either. i'm guess i'm still searching. i had found a part of me in india and then i came to seminary and lost other parts of me. the last year and half have been this constant relay between finding and losing. It has led to lots of changing, molding and shaping. I feel like my core identity is in constant limbo these days. im wanting things to go back the way they were, but that would be living in the past. im wanting to know how it will all turn out, but that would be living in the future. i have people from my past that are holding up the "before" picture and i don't know how much of that part of me is left. i also have people who are holding out what i could be "after" and i don't know how much of myself i would recognize. instead of my life being a still picture that can be captured in a second, it feels more like a mural whose details are being woven together as it takes form. a solution? don't have one. how about instead, an offering. Creator, i offer myself to you in both the roads and the storms. do with the canvas as you desire and will.

Delight yourself in the Lord

2009-02-02T19:58:00.000-08:00

and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this...
Psalm 37:4-5

The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me;

2009-01-27T11:53:00.000-08:00

your love, O Lord, endures forever.
Do not abandon the work of your hands.
Psalm 138: 8

white christmas

2008-12-26T18:19:00.000-08:00

I have always had a soft spot for snowmen and this year I got to build one xmas morning. We have some awesome sledding hills, but of course we don't have a sled. I finally made it home xmas eve, thanks to a metro, train, bus and plane ride. We saw our extended family xmas eve, but it snowed another couple inches xmas day so it was just the 4 of us. This meant a lot of turkey and mashed potatoes. We still have over a foot of snow at our house so our driveway and development roads would still swallow my car. The city roads and freeways are mostly cleared so we did make it out in the truck this afternoon and headed to downtown portland to do some shopping. With all that said, it's still my xmas break, vacation from work and time with my family. I still have some good dates coming up with friends, the sis and a whole day of korean adventures (ie food and karaoke) to look forward too.

Dear God,

2008-12-23T15:03:00.001-08:00

In 2007, I encountered the world at its worst. I felt its suffering, its injustice, its pain. I looked into its deepest wounds through the eyes of slaves, poverty, the forgotten, the thrown out, the oppressor and the oppressed. I saw the world’s abuse of human dignity; the fallen and broken at their worst. I felt helpless, inadequate, angry, and hopeless. I wanted to know what you would do about this world, how you could still exist. You answered that despite the world, you would remain to be hope, joy, mercy, grace and most of all love. Your love would remain the same even when the subject of your love was at its worst. I discovered your compassion for the brokenhearted, your image in the oppressed and your hope for a fallen world.

In 2008, my world felt apart. My world became confusion, anger, shock, and suffering. Out of my fear, it became my fight. I went head to head with what I hate. I clinched my fists and dug my heels in deep. I experienced my own deep wounds of hurt, pain, and hopelessness. My clarity turned to chaos, my certainty to shame. When I wondered where you were, I lived without you, as though you could not do anything. I lived as broken, fallen, and rebellious as possible. The ‘me’ I had become, I was sure you couldn’t stand. I sat as a prisoner bound by my own strength, capable of nothing I wanted; a failure. But I’m still breathing, and finally surrendering. I have discovered you still remain. Despite my worst, you are still love. Your presence has not replaced all my hurt and pain, but neither has my hurt and pain replaced your presence. It all remains together and with you, it is given a chance to be transformed; to become something new. I am discovering your compassion for my broken heart, your nearness in my suffering and your hope for my failure.

In 2009…

not what, but who

2008-12-13T21:09:00.000-08:00

Lord...
you, not me
yours, not mine
amen.

lyrics

2008-12-08T23:32:00.000-08:00

She fooled all of her friends into thinking she's so strong,
but she still sleeps with her light on,
and she acts like It's all right on,
as she smiles again
her mother lies there sick with cancer,
and her friends don't understand her,
she's a question without answers,
who feels like falling apart.
She knows,
she's so much more than worthless,
but she needs to find her purpose,
she wonders what she did to deserve this and..

She's calling out to you, this is a call;
this is a call out,'Cause everytime I fall down,
I reach out to you,
and I'm losing all control now,
and my hazard signs are all out,
I'm asking you,
to show me what this life is all about.

He tells everyone a story,
because he thinks his life is boring,
and he fights so you won't ignore him,
because that's his biggest fear,
and he cries,but you'll rarely see him do it.
He loves, but he's scared to use it.
So he hides behind the music,
'cause he likes it that way.
He knows,
He's so much more than worthless,
he needs to find the surface,
because he's starting to get nervous.

Have you ever felt this way before?
'cause I don't wanna hide here anymore.
Take me to place where nothing's wrong
and thanks for coming, shut the door.
They say someone out there sees us,
Well if you're real then save me Jesus,'
cause I've been here for far too long.
I wasn't meant to feel alone.

--Thousand Foot Krutch

newberg?!?

2008-12-08T12:03:00.000-08:00

this isn't the first time newberg has had a brush with fame. the first was when i saw robin williams at fred meyer, but this time newberg made it on national tv!! more specifically, Tilikum. if you didn't have at least one retreat or camp experience there then you didn't go to Fox. Portland was the final destination on the Amazing Race season finale and the contestants had to do part of the high ropes course at Tilikum for their clue. check out the episode, its online. PDX, the gorge, the bridge of the gods, downtown, and pittock mansion all had cameo appearances. i thought it was fun. i miss the nw. i'll be home soon.

done right :)

2008-11-28T12:42:00.000-08:00

turkey
real mashed potatoes
real gravy
stuffing
green bean casserole
corn casserole
little smokey's
broccoli salad
corn bread
sweet potatoes
pumpkin pie
pumpkin tort
chocolate cake
beer
champagne
sweet tea
coffee
football
texans
washingtonians
canadians
asians

plus most of the food (including the turkey) was donated in a thanksgiving basket one of our friends got from school. how cool is that? we just split it all up and everyone cooked and brought something. good job everyone, we would have made our moms proud.

nothing left

2008-11-21T22:57:00.000-08:00

I have been bound
By his hands my sins are woven together,
the Lord has sapped my strength,
he has handed me over
to those I cannot withstand.

The Lord has rejected me

my eyes overflow with tears
no one is near to comfort me
no one to restore my spirit.
they betrayed me.

See O Lord how distressed I am
I am in torment within
in my heart disturbed
for I have been most rebellious
inside there is only death.

Let me sit alone in silence
Let me be filled with disgrace
Let me bury my face
Let me offer my cheek to
the one who would strike

He has broken me,
He has trampled me,
I have been deprived of peace,
I have been forgotten
Gone is all that I had hoped from the Lord.

I have nothing left.

If you are love, embrace me.
If you are peace, comfort me.
If you are mercy, cover me.
If you are grace, redeem me
If you are God, do not hide your face.
If you are coming, do not delay.

apparently i have been here before

2008-11-12T22:36:00.000-08:00

some old thoughts from a different time, but maybe the same season.

who hears your scream, when you don't even make a sound?
when all your tears inside, never hit the ground
who is there when nothing makes it go away?
when nothing changes, no matter what they say
who can hold your breaking heart?
the moment a million pieces tear it apart
who can touch the part, you will never show?
when you are alone and no one else will know
who will carry your burdens, when they are pressing in?
so you can lift your head to see the way again
who sees the wounds opened by fear and shame?
when healing takes too much time and too much pain
who is there when you are ready to be done?
just Him forever, there is only one

Can a person that never cries become the one who needs to cry the most?
Can the person everyone thought was strong enough be the weakest of us all?
Can an empty heart avoid being filled with bitterness and anger?
Can you be struggling and battling, but not against flesh and blood?
Can people forget who they thought you were and love you as you are?
If you have convinced yourself you don't need anyone can God change your mind?
Lord what can you do with me?

waiting

2008-11-05T00:51:00.000-08:00

waiting...

for space
to create
to express

for space
to question
the past
the future

for space
to think
to know
to feel

anything.
everything.

do unto others

2008-10-18T23:36:00.000-07:00

i don't know what it is about california, but it seems to leave its mark on me. By mark, i mean literally. First it was the california mountains, then the trails and now the road. Apparently, running in the dark is only for the experienced. I don't know what it was, i'm sure it looked a bit sniper-like, but i was taken out by the pavement while on a run last night. I was in the zone, feeling confident of a pretty long run, daydreaming about everything but california and then suddenly bam, trip, tumble and skid. argh. well, that is what i get for laughing at my friend earlier that day who gashed open her big toe while we were on a walk. i had to humbly return, bloody knee and all. thats what i get for laughing. california scar number #5.

give thanks

2008-10-14T13:01:00.000-07:00

"For who makes you different from anyone else? What do you have that you did not receive? And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you did not?" 1 Corinthians 4:7

"I do not set aside the grace of God." Galatians 2:21

But who are you, O man, to talk back to God? Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, "Why did you make me like this?" Romans 9:20

It does not, therefore, depend on man's desire or effort, but on God's mercy. Romans 9:16

someone's daughter

2008-10-07T11:58:00.000-07:00

back from a distant land of regret
returning no longer worthy
you don't have to call me your own
save the fattened calf
i'm not sure how long i'll be home

can't stand your love
don't know if it can hold me
my eyes and heart hit the ground
your arms wrap around a tomb

found, but still hiding
home, but still wandering
yours, but still wanting

to be
someone's
daughter

It all started when

2008-09-22T20:25:00.000-07:00

I finished my last paper of the summer quarter. We celebrated with cookies and a movie. Then on Friday after we turned our papers in we found the perfect kitchen rug on clearance at Target. This was a sure sign it was going to be a great shopping weekend because next I discovered coupons for American Eagle, PacSun, and Old Navy was having a huge sale. I moved into my new apt Sat after work. Its so nice to be settling in. We unpacked, organized, and celebrated life with Papa John's pizza. Sunday we hit the mall and it was the most shopping I've done in probably two years, but everything i bought was on sale and I probably won't go again for another two years. hehe. not really. Today was Joshua Tree National Park. It was so beautiful and like a giant playground. We got some pretty cool pictures. What else could this week off possibly contain? Well, its only Monday.

common names

2008-09-13T21:25:00.000-07:00

to all y'all that have common names i'm sure this will not be as exciting for you, but to y'all who don't have common names or common spellings of your names maybe you will share in my child like giddiness. my name is never on any of those pre-made key chains, license plates or tacky tourist propaganda, but today I saw my name in the most unexpected place; at the gym. i was in the locker room at 24 when i saw an advertisement that read "Karli got back to her high school weight." Now lets not get to carried away with that statement, but karli with a "k" and an "i", how unlikely. Its funny to see your name when its not you. I'm sure you common name folks are used to this phenomenon, but i definitely did a double take.

i'm back

2008-09-11T19:01:00.000-07:00

I'm back from possibly the best 10 days of the last 365. It started with a sweet time with my family including my ever so amazing sis and grandparents. I even got to see a group of friends from Fox which was an added bonus. Then it was quickly off to canada land for a road trip through the rockies. There were mountains, lakes, hikes, tents, campfires, waterfalls. It was a combination of my most favorite things. It was a little colder than my most favorite temperature, but what to do , I was in the mountains. After the rockies I headed out to my friends farm. Everything is so flat there so its like 360 degrees of amazing sky and wide open spaces. I never realized how much non-city folk like to have campfires. I guess in the city we don't have yards or lawns to have smores or roast hot dogs whenever we want. Being out in the country for a few days made me miss it. It took me back to my roots. Country music, tractors, fields, trucks, and hicks were a little nostalgic for me. Even when i was home there was a consistent flow of maybe 10 cars at this one intersection we were going through and my dad said "There most be something going on around here, probably at the fairgrounds." Sure enough there was something. Those 10 cars, were 10 cars too many for that country road. It made me laugh. I was not in LA anymore.

One thing I never do cuz i'm a wimp is ride roller coasters. Well we went to the edmonton mall which is the mall of all malls, complete with water park, amusement park, sea lions, hotels and everything else in it. My friend and I decided we had to go on the roller coaster which included 3 upside loops. yikes! After we pumped ourselves up we got in line and it appeared we were the only 2 on it so we took the very first seats. another yikes! Long story short, i survived my first upside rollercoaster. It was so intense.

I posted some pics of my trip on facebook or you can use these links:

http://www.new.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2018649&l=3a0bd&id=98300284

http://www.new.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2018650&l=481d9&id=98300284

Now I'm back in LA, back to work, back to school, back to city lights and city smog, but i do have some country music on my ipod when i need a breath of that fresh country air.

these days

2008-08-22T00:30:00.000-07:00

healing is
more than
the absence
of pain

love
doesn't always
feel
like it

hearing no
can be healing
and it
can be love

there's no telling where i have been

2008-08-10T20:47:00.000-07:00

I like to call it the "summer funk." its that time during the year that is not like all the rest; schedules change, routines are different, people come and go. everything kinda gets rolled into one big ball and doesn't really get sorted out until fall comes, until summer is over and until its a new year (school year that is). i feel like i'm just waiting for the end of sept because i know by then at least some things will be sorted out.

work: new boss, new kids, new schedule
school: 1 class down, 1 to go
church: my 3 options: leave, stay and keep wrestling, stay and give up
home: moving wed, moving again next month
life: friends and family, new and old
future: life together, downward mobility
ministry: right opportunities, wrong timing
spiritually: the one being pursued

from InnerVOICE

2008-07-22T20:09:00.001-07:00

these words were in the midst of a collage on a page in InnerVOICE which is a publicatioin of InnerCHANGE. InnerCHANGE is a Christian order among the poor. its kinda like word made flesh...

What if all of life were a free buffet?

It kind of makes you wonder if we'd enjoy ANY of it.

Enjoy what God gives.

Don't stuff yourself.

i'm not from california

2008-07-18T12:23:00.000-07:00

i have been watching "I survived a Japanese game show" and while i'm generally anti-reality tv, this show cracks me up. i actually have only caught the last 15 mins the two times i watched, but i love it cuz it reminds me how crazy and fun japanese people are. One year in college i was really involed with a group of japanese exchange students because i lived in the international house on campus. It was awesome. I became really close friends with some of them and they knew how to have a good time. i miss having japanese friends. they were so much fun.

there is this one boy at work that i'm starting to love. yesterday we celebrated his birthday and he was so genuinely excited and appreciative it was sweet. i got off work at 3:30 but i told him i would come back for dinner and eat a piece of cake. when i walked in the door he was jumping up and down saying, "you came back! you kept your promise! you came back just for me!!" it was precious. in sept i will have been there a year and i have finally been able to really bond with some of the kids. its been a really good summer at work.

soon i will have to change my car license plates to california. i'm so sad because i don't want to be a californian. i sometimes ride the bus to/from work, but i have to walk about 20mis once i get off for work. one of my coworkers heard i had walked that day and she was like, " californians don't walk!" i said that is why i'm not from california. i think i'm going to keep my washington plates. gotta stay true to the roots.

my perfect summer day: a lake, a boat, a wakeboard, some friends

long days

2008-07-06T23:07:00.000-07:00

After a fun yet productive start to the week, it ended with nonstop activities the past couple of days. First of all, Esther and I redeemed Taco Tuesday, thank goodness for that. I also made decisions about classes and housing, finally. I met with a friend i used to work with at an amazing sushi place. It was a little bit of a drive, but well worth it. I ate the best sushi that I can remember. I had been craving it for so long and i was not disappointed. We also made these elaborate plans to expand my LA knowledge and experience because she grew up here and i'm still intimidated by the city.

I had to work on the 4th of July, but we still made strawberry/raspberry/blueberry shortcake and we were able to see some of the fireworks they shot off from the rose bowl. My least favorite part of the night was when they asked me as i was leaving to go pick up some people from the rose bowl who had gone for the fireworks. Long story short, traffic. I got off work 2 hours late on friday and had to be back early Sat for yet another full day. On Sat, we took the kids to Redondo Beach for the afternoon. While i was driving the kids all i could keep thinking about was how i now understand how my parents felt when i wanted to listen to my music in the car. The kids wanted it so loud and they only wanted to listen to the same 3 songs. There are so many "parental moments" that happen when i'm at work.

We got back from the beach right when my shift ended and i had to go directly to my friends wedding reception. I had missed the ceremony because i had to work, but i offered to help set up for the reception so i rushed to help set up for close to 500 guests. This wedding reception was incredible. First of all it was chinese which meant it was a cultural experience as well. They rented out this huge seafood restaurant that was beautiful. There were probably 12 or more chandeliers and everything was decorated perfectly. It was a sit down 8 course meal plus cake; imagine 4 plus hours of just eating :). We had crab, lobster, beef, duck, chicken, shrimp, scallops, fish, shark fin soup and rice. While we were eating there were the traditional aspects of a wedding reception plus multiple choreographed dances by bride and groom and bridal party, as well games/skits. The bride changed her outfit 4 times throughout the evening each time with another introduction by the emcee. Her family is chinese and his family is cambodia so everything was translated twice. There is probably more i could say, but it was quite the experience. A fun one for sure and i always love seeing the bride and groom so happy.

Today was church and work and i'm so glad that tomorrow is my day off. I have jury duty this week so its kinda like a game. I have to call in every night to see if i have to go to the courthouse the next day. I don't have to report tomorrow which is quite a relief. i'm sure i will have to go eventually. it will be interesting. I kind of hope i don't get selected for a trial. It seems like so much pressure. Anyways, another week of summer gone and another one awaits.

church was fun!

2008-07-01T18:30:00.000-07:00

I went to a new church on Sunday. It is a primarily african american church, pretty much a guarantee it will be fun. We met the pastor last week during my class so i decided to check it out. There were many things i liked about it. We worshiped to kirk franklin one song and then third day the next. That doesn't always happen during every worship set. The pastor and his wife are co-pastors so they both spoke by taking turns. Instead of the worship "band" being centered on the the stage, the mic singers (just some talented folks from the congregation) were up front and those on the instruments were sitting down towards the back of the stage. Lets see, anything else i can analyze... haha. I can you tell you the presence of God during worship left me still, speechless and teary eyed. I was wondering if preachers in black churches ever have to give sermons on whole hearted, free and passionate worship. I'm guessing not. The pastors were funny, passionate and not afraid to speak the truth. You could tell they were engaging the church. They were bringing it home. It was great. I'm going to try and not think about all this too much. I know I liked it. This sunday they are having their service in the park followed by a potluck. It sounds fun so i think i'm going to go. Oh and i saw someone who works at Hillsides there. I said hi and we talked a little bit. I at least know one person.

Lead Me

2008-06-30T20:40:00.000-07:00

I want to be led, but not away…

Away from
what I think
what I’m waiting for
promises

Away from
what I know,
what I’m preparing for
expectations

Away from
what I see
what I’m looking for
answers

I want to be led, but not away…
I’m not ready to go.

The place you go to forget your past

2008-06-27T17:29:00.000-07:00

In my Urban mission class this week, i learned that LA is the place you go to forget your past. This class was just one week and we spent most of our time out in the city visiting ministries, churches and organizations that deal with the issues of urban LA. There was so much squeezed into one week, but i'll try and give you a little recap. In a lot of ways i feel like it was a missions trip to city.

Monday : we learned a bit about the history of LA and the civil unrest following the rodney king incident. our TA has lived in LA all her life and was living in south central when the unrest broke out. it was interesting to hear about it from her perspective and experience. We then learned about Pasadena and urban issues in our own backyard.

Tuesday: we went to the financial district of LA and learned how to exegete a city. this just means observing everything from architecture to trash to people etc. we walked from the financial district all the way down to skid row. the contrast is beyond description and the division between the two worlds is so obvious. we visited the site of the Azuza Street Revival. If you don't know what this is you need to find out because it is amazing. We ended the day learning about the injustice of the juvenile court system. It was angering and heart breaking but the work that is being done was moving and inspiring.

Wednesday: we were in south central LA. we visited a youth center that was started by woman whose son was killed in a drive by. she is the aunt of our TA. her story and faith is amazing. this was the day that gangs and violence had a face and story. we visited a church who primarily ministers to drug addicts off the street. radical and awesome is all i have to say about that. we also visited an influential community developemt organization in the african american community. it is run by a strong, intelligent, motivating woman.

Thursday: we went to the neighborhood where my prof works and lives with a christian order among the poor. we visited in interfaith justice organization. the woman giving the presentation was young and a rabbi. so cool. we met some women who have been transformed through relationship with my professor and her team there. they are people my prof has known for 20 years. she met them when they were just 10 and 11 years old. their testimonies are amazing.

Friday: we heard from the director of another large and influential african american community development organization. we debriefed about faith, justice, policy, stories, transformation, the new heaven and new earth, and hope. we learned about so many issues, causes, and campaigns. i'm wrestling with the pharisee in me, my theology of the other (my enemy), the centrality of the cross, the compassion of God and my own calling to the God of justice.

in my time with God this week through my frustration, anger, grief and desire to act, the Holy spirit led me to a scripture that speaks to all the injustices i could name. it is the most powerful thing i learned all week.

"This kind can come out only by prayer and fasting" Mark 9:29

my week off

2008-06-20T22:58:00.000-07:00

i finished my quarter last week and this week i have enjoyed not having any school work to worry about. i have had time to watch movies, take the bus, and work out. i found a great park and went to the beach. its been nearly 100 degrees this week so i'm thankful for the luxury of AC. its been fun taking the bus/metro and discovering it can take me most places i want to go. i also led small group on wednesday. i forgot how fun it is to pray, prepare, study the word, share, listen to others. i have had some really great time with God this week. I'm glad that he is patient with me and doesn't mind repeating himself. there isn't an area in my life that he has left untouched. last sunday was 1 year since i returned home from India. As i looked back and looked at my life now, my heart was full of questions and disappointments. However, there in the midst of it all I found Him, or rather He found me. i might write more on this later, but a year of burden to "do something" was finally broken and replaced with the grace to receive. To top it all off I'm reading the Ragamuffin Gospel, hopefully the first of at least a couple "fun reads" this summer.

Monday i start again with classes. I'm taking intro to urban mission and i'm really excited about it because the first day is in the classroom and the next 4 days are in the city. It is a 1 week intensive so its Mon-Fri 8-5. I won't be working next week which will be a nice break, but school will keep me plenty busy. I'm afraid it will be so good and yet go by so fast cuz its over in 5 days. I'm really praying that God uses this class.

As I have begun to pray about this summer I feel like it will be full; full of lots of new things and lots of changes. I have already caught myself stressed out by the details, the planning and unknowns but i feel like the summer won't be an accident. God's sovereignty tells me this summer has a purpose. So far this year has been unlike any other and part of me doesn't want to pray for anything more and the other part is willing to submit. It has all been along the thought/word/theme "discover" that the Lord revealed to me in Jan. Most recently through the holy spirit he reminded me that indeed, "The old is going.." I feel like all i can do is hold on and lay still in His hands of mercy.

My study break

2008-06-12T21:50:00.000-07:00

God what are you going to do when her dad died, her child died, and just this week his grandma had a massive stroke, her mom wants to kill herself, her mom might have cancer, and her grandma died? Not to mention this burden you have given me for him though he committed an act of violence that makes me want to throw up but you still say pray with compassion. Disobedience would be easier if i didn't actually feel compassion and broken over the battle for his soul. I know i must trust your love for those i love, but seriously...I would like to shout at you. I also would like to shout at myself because all I want to do is pray and pray hard, maybe even cry cuz its the only way i can give all this to you and find some relief but i can't because i'm writing a paper.

As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, O God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?
My tears have been my food
day and night,
while men say to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"
These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go with the multitude,
leading the procession to the house of God,
with shouts of joy and thanksgiving
among the festive throng.
Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.
Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.
By day the LORD directs his love,
at night his song is with me—
a prayer to the God of my life.
I say to God my Rock,
"Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?"
My bones suffer mortal agony
as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"
Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

my one goal

2008-06-11T22:33:00.000-07:00

for the evening was to be productive on my paper but...
1 stomach ache + 4 phone calls + 5 hours on the phone w/ friends = 0 paper writing
productive is not all that it is made out to be.

I can't decide lately

2008-06-10T00:17:00.000-07:00

is it good or just good enough?
am i hiding or are you hiding?
its not bad but is it good?
am i not listening or are you not speaking?
should i rejoice in contentment or discontentment?
do i wait by faith or ask by faith?
am i free to choose or bound by choices?
is it a curse or a blessing?
is where i am where i want to be?
do i need to get away or go through?
would i rather have answers or promises?
what am i looking for?
why am i looking?

loss

2008-06-04T22:43:00.000-07:00

i can't seem to get away from it these days. another person i care about is grieving today. she had a miscarriage, just a week after celebrating a long and anticipated pregnancy.

no right to pray.
or words to say.
won't tell you i know
how it goes.

why we have it
just to lose it
why we wish it
just to miss it.

tears paint the picture
fists pound the blame

screams come in color

hope melts smaller

rooms of silence
make good company
questions are the enemy
denial offers sanity

attempts fail to hide
pain wants to decide
love has stepped aside
to guilt and doubt

walk away from regret
lie down in space
sit still together
hold onto grace

zero fun sir!

2008-05-30T09:39:00.000-07:00

Recently I have been incredibly blessed by friends. Yes its the end of the quarter so most of the time I'm studying, but this last week there certainly wasn't a shortage of fun. Last Saturday I went to a LA Galaxy game. It was an exciting game and it was cool to see David Bekham play. After the game and a cup of coffee it just wasn't time to go to bed so a couple friends and I decided to go slacklining. Slacklining if i haven't told you is this line/rope that you tie between two trees and then try to walk across. It is really hard, but a good challenge. It has been our new hobby lately. We stayed out that night til about 3am slacklining, throwing the frisbee, wrestling, and laying out on the grass under the street lamps. Next morning i didn't have church so the same friends plus many more made and ate sunday brunch together. It was delicious. Then of course memorial day wouldn't be complete without a BBQ so we went over to the boys place and they BBQ'd for us and we played games, were introduced to the Tim Tam Slam and of course the evening wouldn't be complete without a little slacklining. Needless to say, I had a great 3 day weekend and am so blessed to be surrounded by such amazing people.

The next two weeks is paper writing extravaganza. I have two final papers but I'm kinda excited to write them so i'm hoping they won't be too bad. I will probably be moving sometime this summer so i have started looking into places. I signed up for my summer classes, got summoned for jury duty and hopefully will book my ticket soon for kanook summer fun 08 complete with mountains, cars, flannel and cows. :)

quick one liner

2008-05-27T10:43:00.000-07:00

as i think about those who have much and those who have little, one obvious solution is that the who have much just do a better job of sharing. we make it more difficult than it is, but instead of 2 for me, 1 for you why not 1.5 each? anyways in my humble opinion all of us that can read this have enough to share. it might mean you have less, but oh well. so i was in this meeting with my small group leaders talking about how we were going to encourage people to give generously to this offering we have at church that will go to outreach. as i was explaining this might be easier for some and harder for others. this girl says:

"yeah some might say God, I don't have enough to share."

I laughed. out loud. i didn't mean to, but i did. She didn't. She meant it. i apologized. i bit my tongue and sat on my hands. it proved my point i guess. it will be harder for some.. Lord have mercy on me.

its good to have friends

2008-05-25T23:12:00.000-07:00

you can laugh with, be serious with, cook with, play with, stay up late with, plan with, be spontaneous with

who are honest, who are humble, who are trustworthy, who think of others, who are not perfect, who forgive

who know you, surprise you, laught at you, teach you, accept you, care for you, challenge you

who you admire, look up to, dream with, dream for

who can be angry, insecure, insensitive, selfish, frustrated, grumpy, prideful, unreasonable,

who remind me, I can be too.

I have been reflecting a lot on the african idea of community. This idea that "I am well when we are well." It is such a foreign concept for most of us who live in a very individualistic culture. It was reinforced for me when I watched some video my friend had that just came back from africa. Her team traveled to villages and had time to play with kids and teach them some games. My friend and her team would teach the kids a game and then the african children would teach them one. Of course a classic, one that i have used before is Duck, Duck, Goose. The kids were so cute cheering and chasing one another around. When it was time for the african children to play they all formed a circle and started clapping and singing beautifully. There was one person in the middle and the "game" was to choose someone from the circle and you both danced together in the middle. Then that person would pick the next person to dance with and so on and so on. No winner, no loser, no competiton, no individuals, none of that mattered. There were just always two kids in the middle dancing together. If you would try and get a group of kids here to enjoy or even see the point of a "game" like that, they would be bored or think its stupid.

The contrast in values that I saw in a simple children's game has been yelling at me this past week. It makes me think and pay attention to how i "play" with my friends and others. We would like to think that false humility is the antidote, but in the end we are still trying to win, be first and be better than others. This all ties back to the difference between what we do and who are; a theme that keeps coming back for me this quarter.In our game your identity is how good you are at something compared to everyone else, in the african game your identity comes from being part of the group; belonging to each other. I think i'm drained by a culture that tells people it is what we do that makes us who we are or its what we can't do that makes us worth less. I'm drained by my own judgements of people. I feel like i have the right to determine who is worth my love, but if i'm in christ its not my love, but Christs love that i say i offer. Therefore I shamefully determine who is worthy of God's love, but I say its God's love when really its nothing but my counterfeit. this makes me a fool. this is why i need friends, this is why i need those who are hungry, angry, selfish, judgemental, and broken. they keep me accountable. when its God's love it can bear fruit in me and through me that will last. when its my love I don't do anything. Apart from him i do nothing. Apart from him i cannot love.

nothing is wrong

2008-05-23T22:02:00.000-07:00

I just need to talk, run, scream, kick, yell, process, get all this energy out. I feel like i'm about to burst. i want to fight. i want to push the limits. i'm stressed. i want to stay up all night. i want to walk in the rain, sit in the cold, throw punches at the air, do things i shouldn't. i'm fired up, i'm hurt, i'm frustrated. i don't have words. i don't have reasons. i'm emotional. i'm tired. i want to hide. i want to be noticed. i want it to go away. I want to let it out.

1999

2008-05-18T22:20:00.000-07:00

Today I went to starbucks with a friend after church. While we were sitting there talking, I recognized a friend from home I hadn't seen in 9 years. We went to high school together and played on the soccer team together. She was two years older so she graduated in 1999. I don't think i have seen her since then. it was so CRAZY! Most of the memories i have are from when i was 14 and 15 years old. scary! She just moved here in the fall to go to medical school. We completely lost touch. I can't believe we ran into each other in a random starbucks today.

Birthday weekend

2008-05-13T16:18:00.000-07:00

Today ends a long and enjoyable birthday weekend. Thursday night i had some friends from church and school over for a game night and birthday cake. It was a fun evening and i felt very loved. My parents came in on Friday night and we had a great birthday breakfast together on Saturday morning before I had to work. We found this really cute breakfast place near campus that I had never noticed before. The kids at work were sweet, making me cards and wishing me happy birthday way too many times. I took some of my leftover birthday cake to share with them. I took sunday off so my parents and i headed to malibu for mothers day. The weather wasn't great, mostly overcast, but we walked around some shops and went out on the pier. We had dinner at this great place called Duke's. It was recommended by a friend who went to school in Malibu. It might have been the best dinner out in a long time. It was located on the beach so we sat by the window and looked out onto the ocean. I ordered coconut shrimp and steak, basically two of my favorite things. It was delicious! I also experienced the first advantage of being 25; I finally look 21! At least according to the waitress who didn't ask for my ID when i ordered a drink. Monday we spent shopping, my parents are too good to me, and had happy hour with some of my good friends from school. My parents left this afternoon and now that i'm finished with my paper, the rest of the evening includes taco tuesday and the movie Dan in Real Life. The perfect conclusion to a sweet weekend. I feel super blessed and loved by family and friends.

teary eyed

2008-05-05T23:50:00.000-07:00

I'm not a good cryer. It is not generally the way i express emotion. My professor tonight in my spirituality and mission class talked about how she was at a prayer meeting where the pastor was praying for the release of spiritual gifts. For her that night she received the gift of tears. She says that there are times when she is burdened in her spirit and literally moved to tears, but as she begins to pray and intercede she generally feels it lift and is at peace. I thought that was pretty incredible and beautiful really.

I, on the other hand, even when i want and need a good release of tears can't always make it come out. A couple months ago I was in a restless place where i no longer had words or strength and just longed for one of those really good cries. I wanted to cry, but i didn't feel like i could. Usually when i need a good cry, I just have to go to a cooperate worship service or watch a sad movie. Its silly, but a friend and i decided to try the sad movie route. We googled the "saddest movies"and ended up picking Steel Magnolias. I'm sorry if i sound insensitive or mean, but we ended up laughing through the whole movie! It was so ironic because all the reviews talked about how this movie was such a classic tear jerker etc. It could have been that it was an older movie, set in the south, the big hair or dolly parton. i'm not exactly sure what it was, but it was not a good movie; so bad it made us laugh. After all that anticipation we couldn't end our "sad movie night" on that note so we watched Blood Diamond. I didn't cry, but it was a really good movie. I was hoping if the move didn't do it, church would, but so far no tears yet.

Then tonight in class we worshiped and then interceded for Mynamar where a cyclone has killed approx 15,000 people. We just prayed with the people sitting next to us and wow, i got teary eyed, just barely, but i was moved by the presence of God. I'm not sure what it was, but I felt it. maybe i need to focus less on myself.

59,17,9

2008-05-01T17:35:00.000-07:00

59 cents - the current price of the previously priced 49 cent tacos on tuesdays

17 - the name of a ridiculous magazine that I was reminded of at work when a couple of girls, who are only 11 and 12 years old mind you, where reading it. remember all those quizzes?? does he like you?, what type of girl are you? how to tell if she is a real friend? don't get me started on these magazines, but it did remind me of a time in 8th grade when a friend of mine wrote into the magazine about losing her virginity and they actually published it with her initials and our town. i did what any good friend would do, i lied for her and we tried to squeeze it off onto someone else. it was quite the drama at the time. teenagers and a small town are not always a good combo.

9 days - until i'm 25. "grin"

My quirks

2008-04-23T20:42:00.000-07:00

Like everyone i have things that make me unique and probably a bit odd, but they make me, me. I prefer to search through the movies A-Z when i'm at blockbuster. Starting anywhere but the A's throws me off. As previously stated I organize my shirts in my closet by sleeve length, eating Melon makes my ears itch and i hate when cabinet or cupboard doors are left open. frozen bread is not my favorite either. "shudder..." these are just silly things, nothing i'm too attached to i hope. Then I have these other quirks that are no easier to understand, but are more than just preferences. Perhaps, they are more like convictions or at least I would like them to be. I have added one to the list this week. No more food eating contests.

This taco tuesday we talked ourselves into a taco eating contest. At 49 cents a taco its a reasonable and affordable challenge. Some people could enjoy the first place, 3 way tie of 9 tacos and rice and beans, but i could not. Being stuffed fuller than i can imagine as if food is a luxury or just a game left me feeling inconsiderate and selfish. What pains me more is that i felt it wasn't right but did it anyways. You can call me weird or call it silly, but I cannot enjoy it when a very dear friend of mine and her family in India survive on 1 meal a day. When her younger sister is barley more than skin and bones and her other sister's cute pot belly is due to worms and malnutrition. They live in a slum along the road i traveled often and it became my favorite place to be. It is not just knowing them or their situation that fuels my shame, but its that i claim to love them and they loved me. I acted as if they are less important or valuable than the friends I sat at the table with. You may not see the connection between a seemingly harmless taco eating contest and the poverty and hunger in the world but I feel it down deep.

Dear Beloved,

I need to ask for your forgiveness. I take responsibility for my offense. There is no excuse for my carelessness. I was selfish and inconsiderate. I know the act does not seem that great, but its my heart that grieves me. If you were in my presence I would have never acted the way I did and to do so in secret, like I could get away with it, is even more humiliating. Most will not understand, but I must take responsibility for what I have not just seen or heard of from a distance, but for what I have walked through, sat in and held in my hands. You welcomed me into the little you had and still gave me all you could. No matter what i did i could not out give you. The least i can do is honor your sacrifice and let it teach me. Please keep reminding me because I tend to forget what reality is. Its easier for me to live in another world that demands less of me. I do call you friend and I want you to know i mean it. Jesus has broken the barriers that could've been. You are no less valuable or lovable to me. You offer me accountability and love that no other friend can. I'm thankful for you. Forgive me for not being more considerate. I am far from perfect but for all that you taught me, its the least I can do.

Bhalo thako. Dekha hoybe.

Spring Cleaning

2008-04-18T21:39:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I finally tackled the task of spring cleaning. It started with a car wash. I can't rely on the rain anymore. Then i moved onto my room: my bed, my desk, the walls, the floors, my closet are all dusted and sparklingly clean. Next was the wardrobe. I figured it was time to trade in the hoodies, sweatshirts and fleeces for t-shirts, shorts and of course my beach clothes. In my attempt to live with less and more simply by rule I try to keep only what I use. Its so easy to end up with so much I don't really need or ever use. It helps me to just pull out everything i have cuz once i see it all, there is always too much. It feels good to be organized. One ridiculous type A thing i did is hang my shirts in increasing sleeve length order. I don't think this is weird. I think it is helpful. This way all my tank tops are together, then my t-shirts, then my 3 quarter sleeves, then my long sleeves. Its a beautiful thing. It brings me joy. I don't see any other way.

live simply so others may simply live.

The boy i beat at basketball

2008-04-14T10:19:00.000-07:00

his name is Jon.

I smell like burnt popcorn

2008-04-11T23:31:00.000-07:00

Life has been full lately with both fun things and serious things. i'll talk about the random fun things. I really do smell like burnt popcorn. Without fail, i burn the popcorn at work. I blame it on the microwave. I beat a boy at basketball this week. It was fun. I won at horse twice. I started running again. well i mean i ran twice this week and tomorrow will be 3 times. i walked out of church on sunday partially cuz the pastor presented the need for maintenance on their fountain outside their church. it will cost 250,000 dollars. a great need he said. i disagree. i have been thinking about the controversy over the Olympics being held in china. http://www.dreamfordarfur.org/. be informed. do your part. these words are from one of my friend's songs: "May indifference never tempt someone to say, "it's not my fight,"Change is subject to the hope we hang onto with all our life,There is hope that all things will be made a new, but not right now,But you and I, we can try to make things right." I had decided I wasn't "called" to Africa and I didnt have the desire to really go. Now i'm thinking about going to Sierra Leone. wasn't my idea. I order the Greek Pizza when i go to California Pizza Kitchen. I'm eating my leftovers right now. I'm also listening to AIr1 online. i haven't listened to it in a long time. there is some new stuff. christian radio isn't that bad. i wish i could go to the beach tomorrow. its supposed to be 90 degrees. i want to go swimming. the rumor is true. i did watch Lord of the Rings. i have got to be careful or Pride and Prejudice might be next. i'm trying to take more study breaks for Jesus. less email and facebook. more prayer. although its late, i'm not tired so i'm going to read for fun.

Acres of Hope

2008-04-06T14:22:00.001-07:00

He will allure her
He will pursue her
And call her out
To wilderness with flowers in His hand
She is responding
Beat up and hurting
Deserving death
But offerings of life are found instead

She will sing
She will sing
Oh, to You
She will sing as in the days of youth
As You lead her away
To valleys low
To acres of hope
Acres of hope

Here in the valley
Walk close beside me
Don’t look back
For love is growing vineyards up ahead
You have called me master
And though you’re in the dark here
Call me friend
And call me lover and marry me for good

How the story ends is
Love and tenderness in Him
Not safe, but worth it
So the valley’s up ahead
Or the ones we live
We’ll sing together
We’ll sing together

We will sing
We will sing
Oh, to You
We will sing as in the days of youth
As You lead us away
To valleys low
To acres of hope
Acres of hope

why?

2008-04-02T17:22:00.000-07:00

A few months back 3 girls who were younger than me, but who i went to George Fox with got into a car accident. One of them died. She wasn't a friend, but i knew her and my mind raced with the various interactions i remember. Now a guy who was older than me, but who i went to George Fox with was hit by a car and died. I knew him through friends. What makes it worse in ways i can't imagine, is in the car that hit him were my two really good friends also Fox Alum. They are married now, but I went to the Philippines with him and lived and played soccer with her. They were friends with the guy who died. sick.

http://www.newsregister.com/news/story.cfm?story_no=233146

sister, sister

2008-03-27T09:08:00.000-07:00

Its finally spring break and i don't like that it is going by so fast. Rach has been here since monday. We had an awesome time at the beach. We played in the sand, went swimming in the ocean and got a little sunburned. We also shopped in hollywood, enjoyed taco tuesday, the park and frisbee. Yesterday while i was at work antonia and my sister when shopping in old town. Much to my disgust the two of them are scheming against me, but don't worry i'm going to get to the bottom of it :). Rach is now visiting with a friend from HS who lives here in socal then heads home on saturday. It was great to have sister time.

Although i still have to work this week I have been able to do something fun everyday. Lent is over so i'm back to watching movies and eating cookies. Perfect timing for spring break. I'm a little nervous about next quarter. I decided to take the plunge and become a full time student. I will have 3 classes, work and whatever life is possible, if any. I just keep telling myself it is only for 10 weeks. For now, i'm going to enjoy the rest of my break and live somewhere between productivity and spontaneity. Bring it on!

maybe it just takes practice

2008-03-20T09:12:00.000-07:00

This time we made it to our destination, Inspiration point. This time we followed the sign marked with an arrow that read "Trail". This time when we realized we missed the trail we turned back and found it. This time we made it without having to hang off any cliffs or walk along any edges. But, this time i decided to wear my chacos instead of shoes. This meant by the time we had gotten to the top I had the most amazing blisters on my heels and the sides of my feet. When you have to go back down the mountain another 3 miles whats a girl to do? Well you just keep going. I walked the entire way down, stopping a few times when i couldn't take it any longer with these raw bloody blisters shouting at me "you are an idiot for wearing sandals hiking!" My friend attempted to assist me by asking the hikers we passed for bandaids, but there were none to be found. The ironic thing is that before we left she asked me if she should bring some bandaids and of course i said "no way, we won't need bandaids!" When will i learn? The hike wasn't a complete failure. It was a beautiful sunny day. We escaped the stress of finals week for a few hours. We talked, we laughed, we shared life. We ended the day the only way possible, with taco tuesday of course. We had worked up an appetite on the trail and the tacos hit the spot. I don't think i will hike on the same trails again. I have made my peace with the mountain and it has left its mark on me. I don't need to do it again. I'm done.

my heart checkup

2008-03-14T22:11:00.000-07:00

this week was the last week of classes and thursday in my art of evangelism class my professor read a commissioning prayer of sorts to us as we ended class. we all stood up and he spoke this blessing/charge/commission over us. it was just a short pause in the middle of my day to stop, remember and hear why it is i'm truly at seminary. i don't remember any of the actual words that were spoken, but i remember the reassurance I felt and the way the spirit moved in my heart. its true here at seminary that people who start off feeling called to ministry, leave with less spirituality than when they came. i have heard of it happening and i am starting to see the beginnings of the fight to hold onto a living and real God. i have been fighting my own fight against cynicism and restlessness. however, on thursday when we paused from our intellectual and academic pursuits i was reminded by the real and life giving God that indeed is not worried about the knowledge I gain if i don't have the right heart to handle it. the holy spirit offered a little heart check up and asked me, "With the knowledge i have gained and the desire to use what i have learned, has my heart become more open or closed? more soft or more hard? more humble or more prideful? more bold or more afraid? more willing or more hesitant? more loving or less loving? have i become more important or less important? have i gained the world only to lose my soul?" the goal of seminary is not more knowledge, the goal of seminary is more wonder, more fullness and more intimacy.

the search for God

2008-03-12T17:34:00.000-07:00

its the confusion you feel when you are searching for something that you can't even believe you just lost. you had it just a second ago. where did it go? you look around not completely convinced it was possible for you to really lose it. you just had it right here. it can't be that lost. it must be here.

its the surprise you feel when you find something that you totally forgot you lost until you suddenly find it out of the blue. when you were looking for it you couldn't find it, but when you are looking for something else, here it is!

its the anxiety you feel when you have just lost something really important. the thought of it never being found creates panic and fear. its the only thing you can think of and worry about. all your efforts go towards finding it. you can't go on until it is found.

its the gratitude you feel after you have exhausted yourself and looked everywhere possible. when the moment you prepare yourself to believe it can't be found, someone else comes along and asks "Is this what you are looking for?"

eternal sunshine

2008-03-10T19:29:00.000-07:00

It might just be me, but i feel like its going to be sunny here from now until maybe October? It feels like what i used to call summer back home. I'm not complaining though its great, but it makes homework and class so much more difficult. today i realized that you may not really know what you believe until you really disagree with someone. I realized i have strong feelings about the way i think a certain thing should be, but i didn't realize i cared that much until talking with someone who saw it totally differently. Before i could do anything about it I desired to argue and tell this person they were wrong and i was right. I was frustrated and it took all my strength not to be argumentative. Humility and listening flew out the window and in my heart my opinion became center stage. I'm just a little surprised i felt strongly about this issue in particular.It was nothing really important or life changing. I don't know if I'm right, that's not really the issue. I'm always learning and I attempt to hold truth with open hands, but truth does exist, right? Even if the truth is, it doesn't really matter? i'm getting too philosophical for my own good, back to homework.

stories

2008-03-05T17:12:00.000-08:00

we all have them. we love to hear them and share them. they make us laugh, cry and remember. As christians we get used to telling just one story. We call it our testimony, conversion story or life story. But I wonder if our life is really just one story, one journey, or one conversion. Life is certainly not just one failure, or one success or one lesson. Why do we get so used to telling the same story? The world would benefit much more from honest christians. Who like everyone else have failed, have regrets, insecurities and dreams. I think we need to learn to tell our stories, not just the big conversion, but all the little conversions that occur over and over because our need for grace never ceases. How will people know the daily, present, active God unless we share the little victories and the little losses that life is made up of?

I have been reflecting on the Easter story that has become so familiar to me. I have tried searching for it within my own stories of rejection, sacrifice, hope and redemption. As i reflect back on my faith journey and the times i have cursed God, questioned God, shook my fist at God and resented God, I realize He remains alive, loving and accepting. During this season of lent I wonder if all the "little" easter stories would breath life into the all familiar Easter Story. All victories big and small are meaningful. I pray the easter story would invade our lives; not just our soul, but our mind, our heart, our family, our friends, our work, our successes and our failures.

wandering

2008-02-27T15:09:00.001-08:00

I am wandering.
wishing there was an away
how can I get there,
if i find it can I stay.

I've lost what i wanted
how it is supposed to be
without the solution,
I run from me.

If you pray

2008-02-21T23:19:00.000-08:00

if you pray I need courage. Life has changed. the loss was not a premediated offering resulting from a planned and thought out process. the loss is raw. shocking. difficult. a sacrifice. the gain is not a promise or a vision given to a soul searching for more. the gain is raw. shocking. difficult. a sarcifice. if you pray, I want to be brave.

My first hike in California

2008-02-11T20:48:00.000-08:00

I don't like to ask for directions so when a friend and I lost the trail on a hike, instead of turning back I forged through onto unknown mountainsides. This led us to a ledge of sorts, but not a flat sturdy ledge made of rock. It was more of a steep slope of sand that quickly turned into a drop off which plunged towards the creek 30ft below. At this point normal people's gut would speak up and keep them from trying to cross this ledge. However, my gut remained silent and my pride cheered me on. After my friend and I crossed onto this steep ledge successfully with determination and difficulty, we decided that the crumbling rock and loose ground was not much to our liking, so we decided to turn back. Graciously my friend allowed me to lead the way as we struggled to maintain our balance and inch our way back to solid ground. I started back, reaching for what was soft crumbling rock that provided little support and then i jumped hoping to land on solid ground. However, I didn't land on solid ground, but on the incline that forced my feet out from me and allowed gravity to have its way. As I'm now sliding down the short slope towards the imminent drop off I reach for the hand of God in the form a short steel pole of sorts sticking up from the ground, that marked the end of the hill and the beginning of a free fall. I was thankful to have a hold of something so solid, but wished it was not as i'm hanging of the cliff. I pulled myself back up and managed to get back to where my friend was and we finally made it off the ledge we should have never tried to cross. If only the story ended there. While we were pondering the location of the trail that would lead us home, we saw people above us that indicated we just needed to go up. Up? yeah right, up the steep, rocky, sandy, unstable mountainside? yes, up that. So with my aderaline still pumping and my limbs still shaking we indeed decide to go up.
Though this time there was no danger of falling off the side of the mountain, there was the danger, i quickly realized of falling down the mountain. As I'm scrambling my way up the slope, attempting to get back to the path it becomes clear that there isn't alot that is stable about the slope i'm now halfway up. My predictions are soon confirmed when the entire mountainside i'm on decides to move down and out from under me. The dry land,the dirt, the branches, the rocks and I tumble back to where i started my ascent. If the near free fall over the cliff wasn't enough, i now have the battle wounds left by a small landslide. But I won't turn back. I won't give up. Finally both my friend and I successfully make it up to the top and onto the wide path that will lead us to bandaids, pizza, a movie and a toast to life.

it rains here

2008-02-03T09:49:00.000-08:00

even so cal gets rain and snow. the mountains just behind my house have snow on the tops and the ones a little further in the distance are even more snow covered. today it is raining again, but i won't complain. i'm trying to be a true nwesterner by not using an umbrella. i'm super excited because this week I received kyle's new cd that is full of songs he wrote while we were in kolkata. he is a great musician and his lyrics tug my heart back to india. its an awesome cd! i have had it on constantly since i got it. next weeek is already midterms. quarters go by so fast. classes are still going well. i'm excited about the projects i have in both classes. i love that in grad school the work you do can directly apply to your interests or what you want to do after school. its not like algebra 2. speaking of math i'm a little embarrassed to say that when i help the kids with their math i sometimes forget all the steps of long division or even fractions. how bad is that. well i gotta run off. i'm trying a new church today with some friends. live today with all your heart.

God speaks

2008-01-21T22:19:00.000-08:00

do you hear his voice with your ears or your heart. does he tell you or show you. is it always want you want to hear. is it true. when are you sure. how do you know. is it as a father speaks or as a king speaks. are you the only one who hears. are you the only one who doesn't. can you feel it. do you sense it or do you know it. do you question him. do you doubt him. do you believe him. does he use words. does he use gut feelings. does he use silence. do you respond. do you ignore. do you pretend you didn't hear. do you know what he would say. do you know what he wants to say. do you know what he is saying. would you look if he showed you. would you listen if he spoke. would you come if he invited you. would you go if he sent you. would you wait if he asked you. do you know that it is Him?